Big Shoes: May 2, 2008 Youth Group News

My grandfather passed away before I could say what I needed to say to him. He was a Lutheran pastor, a quiet man with a sparkle in his eyes. He was always whistling a tune and when the uncomfortable silence would grow, he'd respond with a soothing sigh and a simple, "yup...so..."

He got sick when I was away at college, but by the time our family got to him, he had become someone else--his skin glowed a holy white, and his limbs curled in, like an infant. He spoke in moans and only asked for "mama" my grandmother. The doctors said death was very near.

I waited at grandma's house with the younger children, while my mom and her family stayed beside his bed. When they finally came home, they told me how grandpa had smiled as my uncle Tim, his son, also a Lutheran minister, had said the benediction, and made the sign of the cross on his forehead as he breathed his last.

That night I lay in bed filled with anguish. I had been too late and my grandpa would never know how over the past year I had come back to the faith that he had passed on to me. I drifted off to sleep with a knot in my stomach and tears in my pillow.

It was in that space between dreaming and waking when the smell of of grandpa's pipe filled the room and I could feel his presence near, so close, like a hug and a whisper in my heart, "I know," he said. "I know." I was relieved of my mournful anguish and filled with peace and renewed hope in the resurrection. When I saw his body the next day at the funeral, I thought, "why are you looking for the living among the dead?" I knew he had risen. He had gone home to be with his Father.

It's hard to let go of those we love and admire. They leave behind pretty big shoes to fill. When Jesus finally ascended into heaven, his disciples were left with the promise of the Holy Spirit, and no one to turn to but each other, their memories of Jesus and their faith. "Go be my hands and feet," Jesus had urged. And somehow they managed to change the course of human history.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to fill my grandpa's shoes or come anywhere close to Jesus' sandals. But will I try to fill my own? Martin Luther King Jr. said that we don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. We all have big souls tucked away somewhere. How will we get them free? One step at a time.